When it comes to loneliness
and isolation, I go through periods when I moved to a new place or started
something new. I don’t know anyone and I have to find my place in a new place.
This time it was coming to Nancy. I have already moved so much so I thought I
would be a pro by now. Apparently, I’m not. I get lonely like every other human
being on this earth. Even if it’s just for a period, I think it could even be
healthy.
I realized that I
was having a hard time when I kept thinking about leaving France. I would say
to myself, “If it doesn’t work out here, I could always go home.” My comfort
was knowing that I could escape. It wasn’t like I was depressed just struggling
to make friends and get settled into a routine and life that I was excited to live.
As I write this, I’m
still in the period of isolation and loneliness. I don’t think the feelings
have completely gone away, but they are having less of an impact on my decision
making. I want to do things so that I won’t feel alone or different. I want to
feel included and not struggle with feeling like a foreigner. I have already
lived in France for more than 4 years and sometimes I feel like I just arrived.
The only advantage is that I have a good grasp on the language.
My comfort came when
I read 1 Kings 19 while listening to a training podcast. It was so helpful to know
that I wasn’t alone. The man who led it is now our InterVarsity president and I
was surprised to hear his struggles which seemed much worse than mine. He and
his wife were physically isolated and also not integrated in the culture. On
the other hand, I can communicate almost exactly what I am thinking and
Starbucks arrived this past summer. Seriously it’s the little things that help
me keep my sanity.
When I read the
story of Elijah in the desert completely isolated and discouraged also wanting
to give up and die; I said, “It’s not that bad for me.” I realized that I was
too focused on myself and what I was lacking. It was when God took care of him
in the desert that he gained a new perspective on his situation. In the same
way, God revealed himself to me. He showed me that he was all I needed and that
he gives me everything I could ever possibly need, nothing more nothing less. He
brought me back to the source and awaken me to his inner workings in my life. I
was ripped out of my comfort zone only to come to realize that I can depend on him.
“As a
deer longs for streams of water so my soul longs for you, O God.” Psalm 42:1
He slowly gave me
these nourishing drops of water. He didn’t give them all at once just enough
for the moment and then he would invite me to come back for more. What have I
learned from all of this? God has a purpose in everything he does. He wants to
teach us and mold us. Sometimes it’s hard and painful to accept his method but
once we do it’s refreshing. He draws us into a loving relationship with him.
Even though I still have these feelings, I can recognize God’s tender voice
calling me closer to him. The fact that he cares for me so much and would take
me through all this means he loves me. His grace is in sending Jesus so that I
can have a relationship with him. He allows me to experience a loneliness that draws
me nearer to him. It’s so perfect and complicated. I try not to understand
everything just trust God has some crazy plan that will be for my benefit and
also benefit others.
Embrace this loneliness and isolation with me and find a Savior on the other side...
